Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

we can have a combined monthly income of 13,700$ and not pay the bills on time?! Seriously, it should not be this fucking hard!

And mum’s “brilliant” new plan? She’s going to sell the house, and we’re going to move into apartments.

EXCUSE ME?!

First of all, we worked out ASSES off for this house. We paid it off once, and yes, things are a bit tight at the moment, but we usually manage to survive. I am NOT willing to give up 16 years and my fucking FUTURE so that she can play happy renter and line someone else’s pocket.

I will not leave this house until I am dead or we have sold it at a decent price for a NEW house, not some crappy apartment, thank you very much.

She had this whole thing where she would sell the house to a guy for 100,000$ up front and payments for the rest…except, she’s not realizing, after paying off the morgage (which, I don’t recall how much it is, but it’s not 100,000)….that’s a nice fucking down payment on a new house, plus, if the guy’s making payments…we don’t have to! His payments can be re-directed directly to the morgage of said new house.

Logic is not my mother’s fortay at the moment.

She’s also finally thinking about allowing me to become her payee…though she keeps changing that. Last night I went from becoming her payee, to splitting the bills down the center, to…whatever the fuck she’s come up with overnight. She can’t make up her mind, and we just keep getting further behind because she can’t manage her money (and yes, I can take her to court and get power of…whatever it is over money, but doing so would involve my family, because they always stick their noses into shit, and there is no way I’m letting my money grubbing, controling bastard of an uncle anywhere NEAR our money. Ours! No touchy!).

…I’m getting so fucking tired of this mess. I will admit it, I want out. I can’t say that to my mother because she’ll go ahead with her asanine plans and get rid of the only asset we have and I DON’T want that…but I’m so tired of all this crap. I’m tired of having every cent of my money being taken for bills she should have paid. I’m tired of opening the door to servicemen who are there to shut off one utility or the other. I’m tired of never knowing if I’m going to have electricity, water or heat the next morning. I’m REALLY fucking sick of paying 500$ rent (out of 680$ income) and then having to be -300$ in my bank account because if I don’t overdraft my account, I’m going to lose something…like the electricity last month…I’m also tired of being overdrafted by 300$ and still expected to pay 500$ rent the next month (hello mum! One cannot make 800$ out of 680!)

And it’s not just the money, I’m tired of being abused. I’m tired of being yelled at or bad mouthed because I can’t get out of bed and clean up the living room her dog tore up. I’m tired of being left alone when I’m violently ill so my mother can go spend the day at a place that makes her cry when she gets home (and I’m really fucking tired of her crying every day…it’s not her fault, but damn does it hurt me). I’m tired of my needs always coming last.

…maybe I’m just tired.

My mother and I got into a blazing row last week about how I was being ‘lazy’ and I’m always sick and that she’s doesn’t want to hear about it anymore since I don’t do anything around the house. Rather funny…for someone so lazy, I now have a home healthcare worker who will come to work for 50hrs a month to help me get around the house, bathe, eat, ect. Apparently the goverment and my doctors are seeing actual medical conditions, not ‘laziness’.

Grandmere managed to ruin another holiday, though I guess I can’t blame her this time. Just as we were going to start the BBQ for the fourth…life alert called us to tell us she was being rushed to the hospital. No idea what’s going on except that she’s waiting on a surgery…I’m sort of surprised she’s lasted this long, but I doubt it’ll be much longer.

…I still don’t know how I feel about the fact she may soon be very much out of my life. I mean, I’ve wanted it for years, prayed for it, but now…she’s my grandmother, even if she is the most wicked, evil, spiteful woman I have ever met.

I think the stress of Grandmere is what’s pushing my mother over the edge right now…and while I understand that, it’s still not making it a very happy place when I have to take all the bitching and fighting and…everything, just because she needs to lash out.

Sometimes…I wish I could just run away. Disappear and have my own life. But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t leave my mother. For one thing, I’m too damn scared of what she’d do if I’m not around to keep her going…and for the other…I love her, despite the constant stress.

In utterly un-related news, I’ve discovered I can’t be without ciggerettes right now. I ran out hours ago and have not stopped scratching my arm since. Only, since I don’t have nails, I’ve been scratching at it with a toothpick. It’s all red and irritated.

I hope mum’s check comes in the mail today…maybe she’ll buy me a pack of smokes (while they’re still on sale for 2.75!)… *hopeful look at the mail*

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Okay, seriously, is it that hard to let me order my own damn prints? I put in all the information, splurging a bit (my rent’s getting upped so I’m getting while the getting is good), and after waiting for a weird ass ‘redirecting to page with more secure features’ message…

I get this lovely note:

(yes, that is a connection error image, your browser is not fucking with you).

So now I don’t even know if my order went through! But, I contacted them, so hopefully I’ll know. Sucks, because I probably won’t have the ‘courage’ to order them again and for a full set of 5×7’s of my best images at only $8.50…pretty rocking! *pouts*

And on a more “Real” note (not me bitching…just whining like a baby), mum had another one of her ‘let’s kick Sait out’ moments tonight. This time, she wants to sell the house and move into some sort of mental health ‘assisted living’ place…or something.

She’s tired of never having enough money to pay the bills (between us we make 1800$ a month, our house payment alone is 600$, then we have direct tv, phone, electricity, insurance (house/car), prescripts, food, pet food/supplies, heat (which was shut off), ect, plus loans to Uncle Mike and Grandmere), she’s tired of the house being a disaster because her home healthcare worker is a complete DUMBASS (seriously, ex 1: Mum put a large jar opener that needed to be washed after a year lost in the garage for “Ditzy” (not her real name) to wash…it sat there for three weeks before we got tired of it and washed it ourselves (well, mum did, she she SHOULDEN’T BECAUSE IT’S HEAVY), ex 2, I offered ‘Ditzy’ 60$ this month if she would help me organize my room which was still boxed up and slightly trashed from the room change a month or so ago. She spent two hours sitting there picking the lint off her pants while I worked because she ‘didn’t know where anything went’ (um, duh, that’s why the crap is still in boxes, no one knows where it goes).

Essencially, it’s just a lot of shit piling up at once. And I completely understand where she’s coming from, dude, it’s hard right now, life sucks big time.

But…It’s my home as well. I’m not just a roomate, I’m her fucking daugther (who else would pay 450, now 500$ a month rent for a room and kitchen access?! Plus, without my foodstamps? She ain’t eating.

It’s not just she promised I would never be without a home (which she has, several times, even swearing not to sell this house so I do always have it..but dude, it’s my childhood home! It’s where I grew up!

Plus, emotional issues aside, the house is trashed. The bathtub wall is coming off, it needs to be re-painted, the house stinks from years of smoking and pets who can’t figure out what a literbox is for (don’t even say it, I am doing everything I can, including owning two literboxes, I cannot figure out why Onii finds it repulsive and mus attempt to pee in my room), the front yard is molding (oregon rain + mold loves us), we have a serious ant problem, and there are cracks in the freaking windows (stupid fucking contractor).

The house won’t sell! Not only at a reduce price! Plus, land value around here SUCKS!

So yeah, I’m having a major depression/panic attack about that, on top of the two week depression funk that was so bad I was scared of what I might do to myself. I’m…not in a good space right now, yeah know? I feel as if my whole future is spinning out of control and one day I’m going to wake up and everything’s going to have gone wrong.

Which is probably why it’s 4.06am and I’m awake…can’t sleep, life will eat me. And I have a 2pm eye doctor’s appointment…fuck.

Which reminds me, the doctor (not Jackie, the one before her, Rachita) was AWSOME on Monday. I walked in, ready for a battle to convince him of my arthritis pain and within a sentence he knew exactly what I was on about and gave me meds for it. Apparently, when I had the flu two week ago, my body started attacking my joints, giving me a temporary (hopefully!) form of arthritis. Have to take a fuck lot a pills for it, but thankfully it’s not continuous!

He so rocked that appointment! I feel bad for every mean thing I said about him…and now he’s MOVING! I have to attempt to find another new GP or stay with the quack, Jackie, who can’t even remember my name…either of them! *sobs*

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Alright, Jo, I was wrong, it wasn’t by a dollar they bounced me this month, it was 31 fucking cents

05-19-2009 ATM/POS WITHDRAWAL 05/18 LOVE S COUNTRY00003ROSEBURG OR 22.68 -0.31
05-19-2009 NSF/OVERDRAFT FEE - PAID 29.00 -29.31

yeah, love you too bank.

Edit: Oh yeah! Remember that appointment I was supposed to have with the gastroenterologist?

Yeah…I didn’t.

After two hours of waiting (and maybe a little shopping *innocent look*) we get in, we’re ready…and she won’t see me!

Because four years ago, I saw another GI in Roseburg. Four. Years. Ago.

When I stated I wanted a second opinion, something that was in my rights, hence why I was there…her nurse ‘kindly’ informed me I would have to go to Portland, four hours away (meaning an over night trip, plus another for the actual testing).

Yeah…not really happy now, thanks.

Bitch.

(and yes, I will be editing my tags soon because even I can’t find shit).

If I do not blow up my domain host, it will be only because of the fact they're holding moricia.com hostage.

Moricia.com expired 02 of March...which I was not informed of until today...which reminds me of two years ago, when it last expired...and I was again, NOT informed by the company. So I go to renew...and I can't log in. My email address is not valid.

...I've been with this company for three years and it's not VALID?!

Off to support I go, to politely scream at them, and while checking my tickets, I'm reminded of two years ago, when I had to do the same thing...because it would not let me renew.

*headdesk*

These people have something against me.

So now I have to wait and see if they'll release my domain back into my custody, and find a way to figure out how to transfer domains because I am seriously not going through this shit again next year.

Anyone know how to transfer domain names, in particular from Netrillium? If so how?

Anyway, obviously, Moricia.com (Beauty Within), tcr.moricia.com (The Trading Card Repository) and it's assoiates are down. Val, this includes anything I'm still hosting for you.

In happier news, Baby Seto (the laptop, not the cat...I need to get more creative with names) has been bailed out of the repair shop. He is shiny and clean with a new montor and bevel. I can no longer put him in stand-by mode, but it's a small price to have portablity and fun!

Also, my richer then god uncle finally came through and paid the 2000$ back to our morgage company, so if we get any more forclosure notices, we get to scream at them without being polite (and trust me, after two months of these assholes screwing us, they deserve it). The delay (the one where I thought he was just being an ass), was because he was possibly losing his comfy job....so, I can't blame him. *shrugs* At least he came through in the ends without me resorting to robbing a bank or selling organs. *grins*

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

So the most recent news here is…nothing.

We found the paperwork to prove we were NOT in default of the loan (in fact, our mortgage company sent us two letters on the same day, one saying our forbearance was concluded (meaning everything was good) and one saying they were expediting the foreclosure of the house and that they may ‘enter the domicile to conduct an inspection’.

My uncle, who…well, let’s call him a very mini-Donal Trump, he makes his money in real estate and the fact he’s a big name in the architectural world of the tech industry (meaning he designs and builds the buildings that houses Intel’s operations…I think, I just know he makes a hell of a lot of money, works in the tech industry, and has to do with their buildings), anyway, he’s handling the arguing with the morgage company. He got them to not forclose on the house (yay!), but they’re still working out the payments we owe, as we DO owe the forbance back, they just can’t decide by how much money.

So far our options are, A. $588 a month, which is what we agreed to, B. $700+ a month, which would take only twelve months, and get rid of the extra in the forbance.

Now, I understand what he’s saying when he says he wants us to pay the 700 a month for twelve months, as it would clear up the problem, and we wouldn’t be paying extra with fees and intrest…except one problem.

My uncle, who has never lived paycheck to paycheck, let alone hand to mouth, is asking us to use every single dime we have (and some we don’t), for twelve months. Meaning not only do we have to pay them, but we have to pay gas, electric, water/sewage, phone, insurance (house and car), cable (more on this later), food, household…and not have a dime left over. So if our animals got sick, we got sick, our car blew up, the house blew up, we blew up, God rained fire…we would have nothing in preperation for that (which is what my extra monthly money usually goes for).

Umm…no?

I like having a $200 safety net every month in case something goes wrong, like plumbing (which we had to fix ourselves this month because we didn’t have that safety net), or our animals do something funky and break their legs, or mum and I need medicine. I don’t like the idea of ‘yay, less house payments, boo, we now have to suffer because mom can’t afford her breathing medication’.

So yeah, I’m obviously voting the $500 option, uncle’s voting 700 and mums’ just very, very confused.

So we wait until Thursday, when mum talks to Uncle again, and then Friday, when uncle talks to Countrywide again.

But so far, no foreclosure, and no sudden vanishing act for six months from the computer (yes, that’s how long it was going to be).

*Note: Some people have bitched we have phone and cable services while being OMG poor! And yes, I see their point, if we shut them off we’d have money, but seriously, I’m not staring at a wall all day…and it’s not their vote anyway.

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

My mother apparently ‘ratted me out’ to her therapist about cutting up my arm. Not a big deal, it’s not like she can do anything, but apparently she ‘threatened’ to put me in a long term care facility ‘for my own safety’.

( Cut for talk of cutting and other 'issues' )